of tears and friends

Happy Valentine's Day. Yet, mine was neither 'happy' nor "Valentine's"-ey. You see, today was Elliot's last day at the orphanage. We are leaving tomorrow morning for Dhaka and then she flies to LA on Wednesday. She's going to be spending some time in Argentina with her boyfriend and his family, then flying back home to start Spring Quarter in WallaWalla. She has all her stuff packed, some of which will stay here for another couple weeks until Ryan Wilkinson goes back.

You should have heard the sounds coming from the big girls' room tonight. Keep in mind, we've been teaching these kids every day for almost five months and have grown close with them... But they came unglued! They were crying, Elliot was crying, and I was crying. It broke my heart to see the scene unfold. Elle choked tears back as she sang to them for the last time the little song she made up the first week we were here: "Goodnight little girls... Goodnight little girls... Sleep now, don't cry... Just close your eyes..." But the weird thing is, my heart was broken in two.

Half of me is so incredible jealous that Elliot is heading home. I know that probably sounds awful but it's the truth. I miss home so much. I miss my parents and my family. I miss my friends and my.. well. I miss my life back home--and everything that goes along with it.

But the other half of me is petrified to think of going home. I was walking through the back alleys of Panchbibi this afternoon with the group on the way to the man's house where we had the Eid dinner. Open sewage, gnarly-looking dogs, mud huts--this has become my norm. I just can't even begin to think about how bad the reverse culture shock is going to be. No more prayer calls, no more kids, no more cockroaches... I came to Bangladesh because I couldn't graduate this year anyways--but it was more than that. I was trying to put the brakes on my life and slow time long enough to breathe. I've had time to breathe now, but now I'm scared to go back and have my life pick up again. Graduate, career, family, the rest of my life. And I still don't know for sure where God is leading me.

I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone and none of this is actually real. I'm not actually in Bangladesh. I'm not actually going to have to say goodbye to my best friend over here in two days. I'm not going to be leaving in 5weeks. I'm not... Fill in the blank. But after watching Elliot say goodbye to the girls and caregivers, I couldn't help but imagine my departure. I teared up thinking of singing to the boys one last time and accepting one last round of kisses. Saying goodbye to Banni, Papri, Shati, Shoprova and not knowing when I'll ever be able to come back. ugh. I'm dreading that day...

Right now, I can't imagine dropping Elliot off at the airport and knowing that I'm not going to get to see her for about two months. I can't imagine coming back to Bangla Hope and seeing her bed empty. I want to make the best out of this situation but I feel like I'm frantically clawing at time, begging it to stop ticking by.

More than even, I need to cling to God. He's taken me through (and is continuing to) some hard times these last couple weeks and this has to just be anther lesson in disguise. I've heard the saying that God won't give you more than you can handle; I just wish He wouldn't trust me so much. Mother Teresa said that.

Please keep me and Elliot in your prayers and thoughts these next couple days. They are going to be pretty rough for both of us.
ami tomake bhalobashi